Ben's Boat Repair

The Pirate's Code (aka Rules & Policies)

 

Some of this is stuff I never thought I'd have to put in writing, but people really are pretty outrageous sometimes. Other stuff is here for clarification.

 

• I am a very small business with a very small budget. If your parts cost more than $20, I will need a parts deposit from you.

• The parts cost what they cost. My markup on parts barely allows me to break even on shipping and credit card fees. I refuse to sell them to you for less than I have to pay for them.

• If you don't like my prices, I'd be happy to raise them to the same prices that my competitors charge. (That Rich Dad/Poor Dad crap doesn't work around here.)

• No, your boat cannot leave the yard until its paid in full. I wouldn't even let my own mamma do it. No way.

• I don't care if you're God,  your boat will be looked at in the order it was received. You will not skip to the front of the line just because you think you're special. Every customer is treated equally here.

• No, your boat will not be ready Friday afternoon if you wait until Thursday night to drop it off. My shop is too small to carry an inventory, and parts take time to ship. Shipping is normally a day or two, but some items take up to three weeks.

• A completed service write-up with signature is required before diagnosis will begin. Ownership will be verified through TPWD. If you are not the owner of record for the vessel, additional paperwork and a substantial deposit will be required before repairs begin.

• If you bring me a bunch of pieces in boxes, with no notes, tags, photographs, diagrams, or any clue what it looked like before you took it apart, my labor rate is $150 per hour. If you don't like that... well, you're the genius that took it apart, have fun putting it back together.

• No, I will not pay the courrier, hot shotter, or wrecker service that brings your boat. That is your responsibility. Photographic documentation of delivery available by request only.

• No, I absolutely will not take a credit card over the phone or in a text message. This is for your protection as well as mine. We insist on having the physical card handed to us by the card holder. We also insist on matching valid government-issued ID. We do have a form available for very special circumstances, it must be completed fully and correctly to The Wench's satisfaction.

• Yes, I do sometimes take checks. The Wench must approve it in advance. Absolutely no third party checks. Account holder must be present with valid government-issued ID. If your bank offers merchant verification, your boat will be released the same day. If your bank does not offer verification, your boat might be held up to ten days until the check clears. (It kinda depends on the reputation of your bank. Talk to The Wench.)

• If you think I didn't fix it right, call me before you let your drunk gearhead friend "fix" it. You will void your warranty if you tamper with my work in any way.

• Please leave your keys and take your "stuff".... food, underwear, towables, fishing gear, anything stored in or near the engine compartment... and please take your electronics... unless your problem is "electrical".

• Yes, I really will charge you storage fees if I'm waiting for you for more than 90 days. And yes, I really will donate your boat to the next demolition derby trailer race if you abandon it in my yard.

• I will not declare your boat abandoned until I have made several attempts to contact you through several different methods and more than 100 days have passed since I last heard from you. I will check the jails and the hospitals, as well as send out tweets, texts, and even letters to the address on file at TPWD. It is your responsibility to stay in touch with me on a regular basis as long as your boat is on my property.

• If you have a project boat that will require a lot of time, money, and parts, it is your responsibility to keep it going. Make payments regularly and check in with me regularly. If I run out of money and don't hear from you, I will stop working on it and put it in the back of the line.

• There is a difference between staying in touch and blowing up my phone. One or two calls a week is fine. Twenty calls a day is not cool.

• Yes, we do sometimes barter in exchange for labor only. It depends on what we really need. Talk to The Wench.

• All invoices have a $2 ($1 each) donation to help support the two local volunteer fire departments that would respond and save your boat in the event of a catastrophe. If you whine about it, we will remove it from your invoice.

• If you ever make The Wench mad enough to tell you to "get your piece of shit off the property", I can't save you. No one can. My advice: don't be a biggot, a racist, or sexist, chauvanistic jackass.